Way #1: Mint and fennel tea. Snip spearmint from rogue garden patch. Procure fennel seeds from dusty plastic pouch circa 1998, probably purchased for an ambitious recipe from the Moosewood Cookbook. Place mint sprigs and fennel in mortar and pestle and pound away to release “divine aroma” and/or hysteria. Move healing concoction to worn brass tea pot, the appropriate vessel for herbal alchemy, second only to the cast iron cauldron. Pour in boiling, filtered water and cover quickly so that curative properties do not escape aboard beads of condensation! Steep for 7-point-2 minutes. Pour a small amount into a thick-walled mug, sip quickly, pour again, and so forth. Feel virtuous, hyggelig, productive.
Good for: Digestion, bloating, heart burn, colic, blood, arthritis relief, Leos, Virgos, immune system, respiratory system, eyes, heart, hormones, gums, self-confidence.
Way #2: Strut to the neighborhood crossroads in slacks and a button-down with tall, spring green palm fronds emerging from the collar, encircling your head and framing your face, like that fellow from last Wednesday around 4:00 pm. Go about your business at the local shops as though it were customary to sport fresh flora. Be regal, be purposeful, carry conviction. And make swift turns so that the palm fronds echo your movements like back-up dancers, or a loyal school of fish.
Good for: Low self-esteem. Also narcissism, ennui, sobriety, anxiety, tension, pretension, nervousness, stress. A generalized antidote to caring too much and/or sartorial imperil. A means of regaining självdistans.
Way #3: In lieu of bathing yourself, wash the dog. Assure her that it’s for her own good, and soak up her unbridled joy once it’s over. Give her a treat afterwards, and give yourself a (different) treat as well.
Good for: Vicarious soul cleansing. Cathartic release. A sense of accomplishment. A “small win.” “Low-hanging fuit.” Projecting the depths of injustice, humiliation, and existential misery onto someone who will forget it entirely within 10 minutes. Improved household aroma.